If you think it’s difficult to get your point across in 140 characters on Twitter, try telling a story in seven or fewer characters on your license plate.
That’s why I’m fascinated by the proliferation of personalized plates in Southern California, many of which were featured in my Orange County Register sports columns for nearly 25 years.
One of my all-time favorites was “NOWINS” – the self-deprecating message adorning the 1974 Mercedes once owned by Gary McCord, best known as the mustachioed, wise-cracking CBS-TV golf broadcaster who has been banned from working the Masters because his irreverent commentary once rankled sanctimonious Augusta National officials. That snub, of course, has only made McCord more famous and earned him more speaking gigs over the years.
Lesser known is that McCord played Little League baseball in Garden Grove, where he also got interested in golf while tagging along to his mom’s lessons, and later won an NCAA Division II national golf title at UC Riverside. But he deserved his “NOWINS” plate after going winless on the PGA Tour in more than 400 events over 20-plus years – until finally breaking through by winning the Toshiba Classic at Newport Beach Country Club in 1999.
What happened to the famous license plate then? He transferred it to his new Acura NSX. Hey, why ruin your image as a loveable loser? Still works for Bob Uecker and for my beloved Chicago Cubs.
In honor of McCord, I present the vanity license plates I’d like to see used by a few of my friends in the wonderfully wacky world of golf:
Tiger Woods: NOTDONE. What did you expect me to say: STUKAT14? With the exception of a few haters, most golf fans want to see Tiger return to health and to form, whether it’s realistic or not.
Jordan Spieth: GRNDSLM. Wouldn’t it be something if Heir Jordan could win all four majors? He came close last year. Very close.
Phil Mickelson: IGO4IT! Sure, he attempts some ridiculously heroic shots, and sometimes lives to regret it, but almost everyone likes watching Phil the Thrill.
Dustin Johnson: SOMEDAY. He held or shared the first-round lead at three of the four majors last season; even missed a 12-foot eagle putt to win the U.S. Open. It’s going to happen someday.
Rory McIlroy: NOSOCCR. The only kicking Rory should practice are his kick-ins on the golf course. Enough said.
Jason Day: BETTRL8. Than never. When you keep knocking on the door, it’s going to open eventually, as it did for Day last season.
Rickie Fowler: ORANGE! No explanation necessary.
Bubba Watson: WORKNIT. This guy doesn’t even try to hit a shot straight. That’s no fun. It’s cooler to hook 52-degree gap wedges from the pine straw out of the trees.
Matt Kuchar: KOOOOCH. The sound reverberates across the fairways every time he tees it up.
Ernie Els: BIGEASY. It still fits his swing after all these years. Now if he could just figure out how to use the flat stick.
Paul Goydos: 59CLUB. It’s an exclusive fraternity – those who have shot the iconic number during a PGA Tour event – and now he’s a lifetime member, along with Al Geiberger, Chip Beck, David Duval, Stuart Appleby and Jim Furyk.
Esteban Toledo: LEFTJAB. OK, the former pro boxer who became a golfer celebrates every birdie with a right hook. But we had to do it in seven characters.
Sergio Garcia; PERSEQTD. Why is he so snake-bitten? Why does he have such bad luck? Why does everybody root against him? That’s what he wants to know.
Fred Couples: SMOOOTH. Wouldn’t you like to swing like Freddie? So effortless, so powerful, so enviable.
Bernhard Langer: AGELESS. At 58, he won his second straight Schwab Cup title on the Champions Tour – third overall – and seventh money title in eight years.
Davis Love III: WINAT51. At 51 years, 4 months, DLIII won the Wyndham Championship last season to become the third-oldest winner in PGA Tour history.
Lydia Ko: ONLY18. No. 1 in the world, 10 LPGA victories, two Race to the Globe titles. And she’s still a teenager! The game is not that easy.
Me: 1006THU. My golf buddies think this should be my vanity plate because that’s been my weekly tee time since 2004. Personally, I think it should be ACEDNO5. Was going to wait, hoping for an encore, but now my first hole-in-one – on the fifth hole at Tijeras Creek on July 28, 1994 – seems as if it will be my last. Oh, well, can’t stop trying.
