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You don't want to make me angry.
You don’t want to make me angry.
Randy Youngman Staff columnist mug for The Orange County Register

The longer I play this game, the more things annoy me on the course. So, as the year draws to a close it seems like a good time to update my growing list of golf-related pet peeves in the hope some of you will feel guilty enough to cease and desist.

Here are the type of golfers and the little things that irritate me the most while I’m out doing fairway research:

Golfers who “jump” in front of a birdie. Ready golf is fine, with one exception: If someone in your group made a birdie or eagle on the last hole, you do not tee off first on the next hole. The golf gods always frown on that. You will soon be punished.

Rakes carelessly left just inside the bunker line, trapping your ball when it trickles into the sand, sometimes leaving you so close to the lip that the only swing you have resembles that of a caveman trying to club his dinner for the day. Someone needs to standardize where rakes are placed on the course. The inconsistency is maddening.

Unsolicited advice. If I wanted to know why you think I just skulled a sand wedge into the environmental hazard behind the green, I’d ask you. And I’d also ask you why you pay alimony to so many ex-wives.

A golfer who asks others in your group what he did wrong after every bad shot. My answer always shuts ’em up. “It’s LOFT. Lack of Fundamental Talent.” Just kidding, but they usually get the message.

Courses that don’t have receptacles for broken tees where you tee off.  And, yes, I break a lot of wood tees.

Courses without driving ranges. Nets don’t count.

Driving ranges that forbid you to hit driver. What’s the point?

Buckets of range balls that cost $10 or more.

Courses that charge more for 18 holes than your monthly car payment.

Buddies who show up five minutes or less before a tee time.

The end of daylight saving time. I hate when it gets dark at 5 pm. It only means fewer golf hours.

A golfer who uses a cell phone constantly – between shots, between holes, even when others are hitting – and never leaves it in the cart for a minute. If you have to work the entire time you’re playing, you shouldn’t be playing. I once saw a woman hit a shot at Coto de Caza with her cell phone in her mouth. That’s one way to increase billable hours.

Someone moving on the green while I’m putting; someone shoving his club back in the bag while I’m hitting; someone putting a cart into gear while I’m hitting.

Announcing why your shot didn’t turn out as intended. We don’t want to hear it. We have our own problems.

Golfers who ignore the return-to-cart path signs and drive as close to the green as possible to park. Too bad marshals can’t give out tickets.

Marshals that never stop to ask about pace of play.

Beverage carts that run out of your favorite beverage, especially margaritas.

Golfers who drag their feet on the green or, worse yet, spit sunflower seed shells while they’re putting. Too bad marshals can’t eject offenders, like umpires.

Asking me what score I had on the hole we just finished. If we don’t have a bet, it doesn’t matter. You keep your score; I’ll keep mine.

Picking up a golf ball in the fairway or rough to identify whose it is. It’s just a sneaky way to improve a lie.

Tending the flag while I’m putting and knocking my 2-footer back to me without asking if I want it. Sometimes I like to hear the putt rattle in the cup, OK?

Using a tee as a ball marker in the general vicinity of my line and asking if it’s OK. Why not just mark it with a bowling ball? I always have extra ball markers in my pocket. Want one?

Not knowing or remembering what brand of ball you are playing, especially when everyone is looking for your errant shot.

Playing from the wrong set of tees for your ability. The male ego often gets in the way of common sense.

Hunting for lost balls on every hole, between shots, whether or not you just hit one in the junk or in the water.

Playing with or behind someone who takes more than five practice swings before any shot.

Playing with or behind someone who can’t break 100 but still reads a putt from every angle before missing badly.

Golfers who aren’t good enough to justify getting mad. That’s 90 percent of you.

There. I feel better now.